Sunday, August 2, 2009

The Aftermath

We got the rest of the results of Mindy's bloodwork back a week or so ago. Everything is normal, so she was feeling pretty good. So was I.

But then, a few days ago something happened: Mindy did the math.

Now, when we started on this venture I said something like, "I'm not paying tons of money to get a baby when others get them for free." I stick to that. At first I thought this process would cost us 15,000-20,000 dollars. No joke. But after I figured it up, it only turns out to about 2,500. So, these few weeks, I was expecting this amount and envisioning we'd put it on the credit card. No big deal.

Let me show you the costs, though:

$500-$590= Cost of sperm from a man who has a masters degree and is willing to be known. This cost is per widget, per vial, per one visit with porn mag and plastic cup. One insemination.

$190= Cost of shipping widgets of sperm.

$150=Cost of the doctor spreading Mindy's legs in those horrible stirrups and using those medieval devices to put said widget of sperm into Mindy's uterus.

$0-150=Cost of "registering" on some websites so we can pay them more money for sperm.

So, that equals about $1,080 for the first shot. Each month after that would be about, let's see, $740. These are liberal estimates, you know, worst case scenarios. Basically, it's like having two mortgages for however many months it takes for Mindy to get pregnant.

So my wife hadn't considered this until the other day. She got weird and angry. She, at long last, was the bitter one in the relationship. I didn't like the role reversal.

Her plan was to use 1 of the 3 local donors=$200 per widget, no shipping cost, and no registering fee. That does save money, but this guy was not willing to be known. Also, he's 23 and probably goes to Mizzou. eeeewwwww. If we had that baby I'd worry every time I walked downtown, past the Field House, he'd be the one with his khaki shorts, frat shirt, white hat on backwards, beer raised and yelling at passersby. I can't live with that.

Mom and Dad came for lunch today. As we sat on the porch, Mindy asked the hard-hitting questions. "Do you want to be grandparents?" Mom said, "If you want us to be." To which Mindy relplied, "Faye, that's not what we asked. Mom said yes. And then I turned to Dad. "Yes," he said, "I'm gonna be straight with ya." Dad will make an excellent grandpa.

We discussed the cost with them, and of course, Mom said, "Do you need help?" As if they haven't helped me enough. I mentioned that a PhD man's sperm is about $100 more per widget. Dad shifted in his chair, "Well, there's a lot 'a people out there who are book smart, but ain't got no common sense. There's a lot 'a people who are dumb and have smart kids. It doesn't make a goddamn bit'a difference if you shovel horse shit in a tunnel or go to college. You just never know."

Dad imparting his wisdom to our son or daughter= Priceless.

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