Thursday, September 3, 2009

Sperm, Sperm, Sperm

We were gonna give it a go this month, but we thought it was too late to order sperm. Instead, we bought an ovulation kit and Mindy's been peeing on a stick for at least two weeks now. So far, it says she's not ovulating. Or, she's not having some hormone surge that usually means ovulation.

Yes. I have picked out sperm. I had to list my top 5 choices. And I should mention that buying sperm isn't that easy. You have to register with some clinics (150$) and then have your physician sign some forms and fax them in. Of course, you can also have sperm sent to your house in some crazy frozen container (there's a deposit on that container and you have to return it within 30 days) with instructions and a syringe. The fine print said if the syringe isn't in the pack, just use a turkey baster.

My top five choices are as follows:
1. #3912 The Irish/Israeli/Ukrainian Guy who has an MFA in Film and wants to make documentaries.
2. #5579 Norwegian/Scottish/Irish athlete who teaches high school and considers himself to be artistic, laid back, calm, and funny.
3. #5761 Australian/Irish/Scottish guy who likes reading, traveling, and world politics.
4. #4072 English/French/Irish loves films, music and traveling
5. #4276 A French Canadian who considers himself to be logical and athletic.

All of these guys have blonde hair (either light or medium) and hazel or green eyes. Again, what does one even look for in sperm from a man she's never met and will never know?

Meanwhile, babies are everywhere. One of my closest friends has a two month old. My very good German friends are 3 months pregnant. Mindy's coworker is being induced today.

Mindy asked what we'd do if she isn't ovulating. I said we'd talk about it when we were sure.

I know. You're all just pointing a finger at me. Yes, I have ovaries and a uterus and as far as I know they do what they're supposed to.

I have tried, in the past months, to picture myself pregnant. Let me say this: Sperm is gross. I shouldn't be so harsh. I'll try again: Sperm is completely foreign to me.

Only in porn have I ever seen sperm. The closest I've been to it is when I'm talking to some guy, but you know, it's still neatly tucked away in his body.

I have never touched sperm, nor have I seen it in real life. I have no concept of its texture, smell, and yes, I'm going to say it: I have never tasted sperm.

By design, I find it gross. It's something that's alive. It shoots out of a man's body. It swims into another body, pecks away at an egg until it finds its way inside. Now, all you ladies out there who prefer guys, even some of you have admitted your disgust, or at least, apprehension of these little swimmers and the fluid that surrounds them.

I find babies in bodies creepy. They are parasites.

So, to picture myself pregnant I have to picture myself with my legs spread wide in a doctor's office. I have to imagine what it feels like to be speculum-ed. I have to picture my uterus and a tube reaching all the way into it. I have to picture millions of wiggling things I've never seen before living in my body. I can't do it.

On top of that, I have no health insurance, so why even toy with that notion?

And here's a gross fact: "unwashed" sperm inserted directly into the uterus causes cramping.


  1. I am following the blog now. I don't want to sound cheesy and say something like I hope it all works out, but I do think you and Mindy would make good parents.

    My parents are hippie naturalists...and I like to think my brother and I turned out alright.

  2. Lady,

    You're writing a book about this, right?

    'Cause this here is prime memoir material.