Negatory

We cheated. We tried not to.

After Friday's trauma at the insemination, I couldn't stop thinking about Mindy's uterus. For three days I had trouble focusing on anything but thoughts about babies or no babies. I should add that I was Pms-ing during the insemination and that could be part of the reason I was so emotional. I was emotional all weekend, too, staring at Mindy's stomach, putting my hand on it pretending there was a baby in there.

For three days Mindy and I were certain she was pregnant. And somehow, this idea really turned me on. Normally, my sex drive is like, in neutral (or park), but I mean, she was totally the hottest thing on the planet for three days. (yes, again I realize it was p.ms. and the fact that she is the hottest woman of all time ever)

On the third day, Mindy texted me from work saying she felt crappy: achy, headache, thirsty, cramps. I googled them and found this website: http://www.twoweekwait.com/web/
So, I spent too much time looking at early pregnancy symptoms and convincing myself that was her problem.

On the fourth day, I was still turned on, but I could finally use my brain for thinking again, instead of obsessing. Mindy had a terrible headache. The website said pregnant women experience them when hormone levels change. Again, I knew she was pregnant.

But now it is day 8. If there is a little baby, it's the size of a pin head...and it's still trying to find a cozy spot to park itself for the next 37 weeks. If there is no baby, then Mindy should be drinking with me.

One of Mindy's coworkers told her she looked radiant and she should just pee on the stick now. I encouraged her to do it last night, (Yes, we realize that the hormone levels are usually too low to detect at this point) even though that's technically 9 days earlier than the doctor said to wait, and 3 days earlier than the pregnancy test said.

I was awaken at 6:30 this morning to the sounds of rustling in the bathroom. Then the light came on. I tried to pretend I didn't know what was happening. Five minutes later and Mindy crawled back into bed. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Pee stick." "And?" I said. "Negative."

There are two reasons this could be the result: Mindy is pregnant (the hormone levels are not high enough to detect yet) or Mindy is not pregnant at all. Not even a little bit.

Mindy said last night, "No matter what the stick says we won't believe it." I agreed, but told her to pee on it anyway. Just in case. But just in case what? Just in case...so we'd have an extra 5 days to prepare for a baby? so we'd see two pink lines and obsess about them for 5 more days until we really knew the answer.

I remember, as we left the doctor's office, he said, "If you're pregnant at day 10, you'll still be pregnant at day 17, so wait until then."

Before Christmas day, when I was younger, I'd sit under the tree staring at the presents, trying to lift the corner of the wrapping paper with my mind (though I knew it was wrong and silly) just to see if I'd gotten what I wanted.